Patience is really hard for me.
What makes it even more difficult is that the very things that I consider strengths of mine are what make patience so hard.
Efficient. Goal-driven. A quick study.
I value all these things about myself, I include these words in practically all the iterations of my resume. And yet, these are the very things that have become stumbling blocks in my spiritual life.
In Tattoos on the Heart, Gregory Boyle quotes Teilhard de Chardin, saying that we must “trust in the slow work of God.” He goes on to say, “Ours is a God who waits. Who are we not to? It takes what it takes for the great turnaround. Wait for it.” (Boyle 113).
The way my impatience sneaks up on me is my unconscious desire to just skip over the “boring parts” and get to the good part. The goal. The part where I finally feel I accomplished something, where I can point to something or pat myself on the back and say, “See? I did something.”
The fact that I’m a stay-at-home-mom (a term that I have a love/hate relationship with) makes this unconscious desire to just get to the good part already even more pervasive and dangerous. It’s just in the last few weeks, with my re-discovery of the Ignatian spiritual exercises, that I’ve come to recognize that for the last two years, I’ve been regarding my life at home — this in-between time — as the “boring parts.” And that subconsciously, I’ve been on strike, ready to skip this part and move on to the GOAL.
And even though I’ve read all the mom blogs, I’ve had people affirm my role at home, I hear constantly that my time at home is important/valuable/significant and that these years will go by quickly blah blah blah…deep down inside, I keep believing that my life will really start when the kids are back in school and I get to work full-time again.
So. This is where my post ends today since my 20 minutes are up (5 minutes ago, lol). To be continued tomorrow.
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